A decent enemy. That’s what you need. Not necessarily in the movies but in real life too. We all need an arch-enemy! Now, I’m not sure where the arch comes into it? Does it mean the villain does NOT have flat feet??? Excuse me. Yes… you. You’re applying for what? Baddie you say? Hmmmm. In what context? ‘James Bond Baddie’ TM ? Hmmm. Well. Okay, I suppose. But you’ve got to understand sir… we have millions of applications for this position every year! You sure you’re up to the job? Hmmmm. Okay… let’s just nip through a few preliminary questions:
You got a propensity for gold hoarding?
Yes? Okay… good enough start.
You enjoy stroking a cat?
Yes? Really?!? Oh, by the way sir… notice I avoided the obvious pussy gag there!
Okay, okay, okay… hmmm. Okay, here’s a biggy… You got any previous experience with manufacturing fake volcanoes? … No sir, I don’t think you fully understand. Not model volcanoes. I mean full-scale! Yes, that’s right. A hundred feet tall! Well… yes, it could be fibre glass… why does that make it any easier??? Oh, you’ve got a brother who works in the business… right. Hmmmm. Okay, perhaps not a volcano. How about running an island? Yes, we’d give you an island. Well, you’ve got to run it. You know, as a kind of enemy stronghold! Got any experience in building metal dragons? Okay sir, no need to be like that… It really wasn’t a silly question. Can I just ask you… you did read the role profile? Okay… just checking sir!
Now, I’ll be honest with you… so far so bad. Hmmmm. Okay… Henchmen, ah yes, henchmen. Any henchmen sir? Hmmm. 7 feet tall? That sounds good. Anything else? Metal teeth?!? Hmmm, I really don’t know about that. Sounds a bit weird. I was really targeting more for a hitman or something… your mate sounds more like a kid who’s eaten too much Kendal Mint Cake. Er, explain the value of these metal teeth to the organisation. Hey, good answer. Biting! I never thought of that. You’d be surprised how many times I wished I had metal teeth to bite my way out of a situation!!!
Okay sir, well, I think I’m pretty much prepared to offer you the job. You haven’t done too well in this interview… but you are persistent. And persistence is very valued here! By the way… if you were faced with a secret agent, let’s say for argument’s sake, a licensed to kill secret agent – would you:
A) Put him in a shed surrounded by crocodiles and turn your back on him?
B) Clamp him to a table and slowly fire a laser at his groin?
C) Tie him to a chair and whip him with a wet towel?
D) Shoot him immediately through the head?
So… make your choice. Hmmm. Really? I mean… okay, most people go for that option… but I was really hoping you’d go for option D! I mean… the crocodile thing is a pretty good choice, but to be honest… it does have its failings! Still, I suppose it IS quite nasty. I mean… no-one really WANTS to have a crocodile’s teeth in his neck! Still… I was hoping you’d have gone for option D. Oh well, nevermind!
I’m happy to say you’ve got the job sir! Just put your signature here. Yes… that’s it… actually, you might want to come up with an alternate name. What for? Well, you know… to make yourself sound more… how shall we say…. scary? No I’m not sure about that sir. No… really… I’d personally steer clear of the “Doctor”s and the “Finger”s. Okay, I suppose it’s okay if you sleep on it. Oh, just one more thing. Whip your shoes off – there’s a man. Thankyou. I know it seems a bit odd… just one more thing for me to check. Just a formality really.
Oh… Bloody hell!!! Flat feet?!? Out of my office now!!! This just isn’t on!?! The quality of applicants these days! It’s a disgrace!
So… I just watched the final episode of Sherlock. I thought it was great! Best little mini-series I’ve seen in a long time and an absolutely marvelous update of the second greatest detective of all time. The thing that made the final episode for me was the quality of the villain. A truly sinister creation. Something that Doctor Who fell so short with in recent years with The Master. This villain was everything The Master should have been. Genuinely great! While it’s true that Sherlock Holmes certainly doesn’t NEED an overarching master criminal… it was nice to see one finally implemented well. An unhinged menace of a man! And I haven’t given anything away. If you haven’t seen it I suggest you track it down asap!
I’m gonna spend a bit of time in my studio tomorrow and work on the latest song. I will keep you all updated, but my first thoughts are that it is going to be a blast! I hope you are all enjoying Pitfall! Please keep flicking back to this site to follow the progress of the new one! When the album’s complete you can then tell your friends that you were “there” every step of the way!